“If someone wanted to have sex with me, then I was worthy of existence”
My only perceived value was in my sexuality as an object, not as a person. Needless to say, seeing my value only through my being wanted by a man flowed into my adult relationships and my example as a mother. The broken spirit of ugliness, overweight teen with scarred disfigured skin from not bathing; black broken fangs for teeth from never given the human kindness and decency for proper hygiene; the teen I was with all my distorted perceptions felt grateful for any man wanting to be with me or choosing me as their wife.
“I was well trained to be submissive; accepting their degradation, control, beatings and almost murderous actions because I was nothing without them.”
Carrie Underwood– ‘Blown Away’
“The value of me was only in what others allowed me to feel.”
To say the least my behaviors and choices were all made with a broken and distorted thought process. These distorted views drove who I chose to have sex with, who I chose as my husband or boyfriends and how I allowed them to control my world.
Sadly it was those ‘bad' choices and ‘bad’ behaviors that infected my children’s world. It is the greatest regret and guilt I still carry today. They grew up believing that the men in my life were more important and I’m sure my behaviors are what led them to believe this.
“How could they possibly believe they carried more value in my heart, if all of the men controlled my actions as a mother?”
Throughout my marriages and relationships I did everything to perfection to ensure the men were never disappointed. However, ensuring their satisfaction was done for reasons other than their importance to me. I ensured perfection in all details of my home in hopes to keep the man from exploding, which was my biggest and constant concern. I needed them to love me, but even more I needed them not to harm me or my children. Thankfully I can say none of these men ever charged and attacked my children. However, hiding in the closet filled with terror because your mom is being slammed and beaten is nothing a child should ever know. My kids saw their mother’s crying battered body trying to console them and assure them it was nothing.
"Mom trying to smooth things over and calm them to eat dinner, this became their normal"
Of course there were the times when he raged and beat me damning the kids, how horrible they were and how I didn’t make them do this or that. My kids absorbed this and perceived the beating and rage as their mother being battered because of their behavior.
“I accepted and tolerated this and then went to be sure this or that was never done again. What view did this give to the children? How could they possibly see themselves as being my most important concern?”
Artwork Created and Provided by the magnificent talent of Michal Madison
Advocate/Watercolor Artist/Talk Radio Host Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery Radio http://www.michalmadisonart.com
There were extremes of these nights of rage that resulted in a family round table meeting with me, my 11 year old son, my 9 year old daughter, and my 6 year old daughter. Sometimes these round table meetings even included their father, whom I would call to come join us and then in my distorted thinking that I was trying to get them safe; I would ask my children who they wanted to live with and ask them to make a decision to leave me and go back to a man that ruled with an iron fist, a slap, a dancing leather strap.
“My poor babies, how could they think their mother wasn’t choosing to send them away for being bad or not worthy or not important enough for me to take us all and run?”
Thankfully, this is exactly what I started working on after a doctor insisted on my getting help at the local psychiatric counseling center when he was treating me for some broken bones and stressed out nerves. During my first round of therapy I began to understand how the demons of my childhood trained me to be so controlled by the men in my life and believe that getting beaten was completely normal. My eyes started to open and my soul started falling apart. A new me was found and the strength started to grow inside. The belief in my personal value was born and I started trying to escape the insane relationship. Twenty years of my adult life was spent in this destructive, volatile environment of distorted throught processes and choices; even worse my children had to live and grow in this mess, be influenced and forced to accept it as well.
Thankfully I finally found the courage, the belief, the determination to leave and get my children and I into our own SAFE environment. Yes there was still the need to be loved, to find love, to have someone want me for me and there would be more boyfriends to come and go, but we would have our home and I wasn’t tolerating anymore raging, abusive, controlling behaviors. No one would control what my children did or didn’t do, except of course for me.
“It wasn’t perfect but we were a family. We were safe in our own home, although it took a couple years to finally get there. We were close to each other, had dinner together quietly, happily with laughter and tears as we discussed their day each evening. It was our SAFE HAVEN!!”
Unfortunately there was already much damage done by the time this happened. My behavior to go out drinking once a week, dressed up sexy to go seek out the ‘value’ I still had issues with in myself. These behaviors in me influenced my children’s view of personal value and what was acceptable behavior. My daughter’s were the most impacted by these behaviors and how they grew to see their own value through their sexuality and needing to be wanted and loved, accepted by a man to be a complete and worthy person.
"Everything that encompassed how I viewed my own value by needing to have someone want me or want to be with me, all of these distorted thought processes is exactly what has left the deepest impression on my children, especially my baby girls."
This is now the root of all I commit myself to working on each day. It is my drive to end the insanity of generational abuse and/or the acceptance of family/relationship violence. It is an even greater hope that I can give my children a new perception of their mother and, even more so, themselves. To leave this world knowing that I gave it my all to change what I had so deeply wounded in them and distorted in their perception of their own personal value is what keeps my heart pounding each day. Every soul filled with this broken mess that I can touch through the website, the radio shows, my writings; those who carry the same distorted perceptions because of what happened and how we are trained as children to see our value and worth; I feel it is my responsibility to give back as much as possible to make it a better place for them and even more so, for my continuing generations.
For my children; Brett, Jessica, Miranda…….
I give you this ------------
‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank © 2003 Island Def Jam Music Group–Official Video
~~Love you always my babies~~
~~See your value in all that you hold within~~
Patricia A. McKnight
Author: ‘My Justice’
Mentor/Crisis Resources/Keynote Speaker/Radio Prod & Host/Survivor
Owner/CEO: Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery & Talk Radio Programming
© All rights officially copyrighted and protected Butterfly Dreams Abuse Recovery 2013
